R E Q U I R E M E N T S

The primary characteristics of this select society have already been outlined, but (because my idea pool is dry) why not examine it further? After all, it is important to know if you will be compatible with your future job before you take it up. Read on to see if you fit any of the requirements to transcend above the boring life most humans lead.

Insatiable need to not only be superior to others, but make them know it. If you don’t want to discard petty moralities that shackle you to normality, then why not go become a short lived, even more arrogant Hero instead?

Need to be remembered beyond your life. Even the ruins of statues will be remembered. But honestly, how long do you think even a rich CEO will be remembered. Especially when you compare them, to, say Genghis Khan?

Dislike of society. Since hatred is the driving force of everything in the universe, you have to harness it. Instead of focusing it at a minority, focus it at a majority. It’s not really required to hate everybody, but it’s just unnatural for there to be a cheerful dictator. In retrospect, maybe being remorseless makes you show your teeth in a “smile.”

Distrust of those who trust you. Trust your friends less than your enemies. When you’re burying the dead and they claim they’re alive, just remember this: Politicians lie all the time. Bury them anyway.

Intellect. How many smart Heroes do you see? How many dumb dictators do you see? A pattern emerges. Smart people do smart things that involve dumb people having their lives restructured so they don’t make any more dumb decisions for themselves.

Numerous enemies. Not just rivals, not just opponents, but people who go out of their way to make you miserable. And remember the motto “If you aren’t making enemies, you aren’t whipping the humans hard enough.”

 Lust for revenge. This goes beyond beating them up or killing them. This is how big boys fight. Using naughty words and making millions of people fight against millions of other people, even though none of them know why.

Understanding of the intricate workings of society. Understand the inefficiencies and workings of our lazy, half dead society. Remember that when people give the order to “take out Chinese” invading someone might be a bit off the mark.

Unoriginal color schemes. Black goes well with everything. Red is great when put on walls or spike pits. Silver, gold, and white, however, cause cancer.

Patterns. Besides giving the audience something to look for, it makes the Heroes spend hours trying to figure out if oval shaped things are somehow the source of your power.

A tragic past. If nothing else, you can distract the Hero by telling them how you were an orphan and were always misunderstood, just trying to take over the world so you could get a friend. Almost as effective as having your son learn to hate Heroes. They walk in, see you playing with a toddler, and BAM, the toddler shoots them in the face with a ray gun.

How to be a Benevolent Slavedriver

Segment XXIV.5

Invariably, society brands our rare breed as cruel, sadistic masters. But such insulting accusations aren’t always true. We don’t always have a personality that emphasizes our need to be attacked, we don’t always kick puppies for giggles, and once you get to know us, we’re not really evil. We’re just logical and efficient.

In truth, there is nothing that makes us different from normal human beings, besides the fact we have ambitions and want to take over the world while harvesting souls for our hatred powered doomsday devices. What the Heroes’ propaganda does is dehumanize us, making us easier targets for the peoples’ hatred. Instead of mindless malignancy, why is it that the populace does not just weep in fear and let us go about our way enslaving them? Because of those narcissistic, self centered Heroes.

When we are forced by the peasant’s actions to have a crackdown, we are establishing justice. Not killing for fun. We’re making the community a better place for puppies that were kicked by Heroes. If it weren’t for one “freedom fighter’s” actions, then we would never have had to decimate the population. Instead of using the autocracy as a scapegoat, blame that terrorist who always wears spandex.  Besides, does anyone really miss a farmer or two (million)?