How to be a Pandemoniac M/Patriarch
Segment 27
H E R O T Y P E S (part two)
Since it has been quite a while since section three, it is time to try sneaking in some repetitive materials in the hopes of delaying the inevitable “I can’t think up any more ideas.”
I, God – This hero is one of the common types that starts off with a noble ideal, a concept of grandeur similar to pacifism, but ends up slowly becoming more and more maniacal. Eventually, they decide they’re God and try to save the world by doing something that makes the viewer say “oh no, that is not how you solve it.” Usually the hero has gained their powers recently, whether by chewing on green rocks, bathing in radioactive sludge, or being touched by an alien. They then give a grand speech saying how they’re superior, and their genocide will ultimately help humanity. Most commonly found on End of the World specials. Not a threat to your empire, because they’re probably spending all their time inadvertently helping you.
Noble Demon – Not so much a hero, or even an anti-hero, as a confused villain. They’ll accept the fact that they’re evil, and may even embrace it, practicing an evil cackle here, learning how to make their cape billow just right, or putting some ketchup on their butter knives to make them look even more evil. He’ll tear down your castle, or even the Hero’s castle, but he’ll only do it once all the women and children are evacuated and only the men are left (who, for some reason, are less valuable?). He will claim that killing his foes is a “waste of time” and that he has lots of friends because “they’re tactically useful” but we all know he’s lying. Usually this strain of the Hero disease is contracted when one feels weak and helpless, but instead of becoming a true aspiring dictator or villain they become a Noble Demon.
Fists to a Knife Fight – This goes beyond chivalry. This is just idiocy. They will bring a knife to a gun fight, a fist to a knife fight, and still somehow win. Against all odds, our handicapped Hero will still manage to take down an Emperor’s trained marksmen, even while outnumbered. He can dodge laser beams, disarm people before being shot, and seems to make all of your Imperial Stormtrooper Marksmanship Academy expenditures completely worthless. This Hero has such a problem with violence and guns that instead of shooting people, he’ll ram them with his car or use other less bloody methods of turning living people into non-living people.
Cowboy Cop – On the subject of Anti-Heroes, let’s examine the Cowboy Cop. Common on CSI shows, he enjoy stomping on the blood stains and poking the victims with sharp objects until they confess. Note that, unlike a dictator, they are NEVER charged with the ethical question of whether a forced confession is plausible. Be wary, because though every society is built of rules, the media is much more interesting without.
How to be a Staunch Sultan
Segment 27.5
C O P I N G W I T H B E I N G H A T E D
On your selfless road to uniting the species and ending war (by using more war) you will probably end up being hated. Sadly, this is unavoidable to any aspiring tyrant, and must be accepted. But remember, it is safer to be hated and feared than to be loved and respected.
To be blunt, you have to be damn lucky to take over the world, let alone a province. And when you finally do, life is pretty good, seeing as how everything is yours. But there’s just one little problem even as your minions hunt down the last of the Heroes before they can form a terrorist cell. The fact that everyone hates you. Everyone.
The reasons will vary. Maybe your tax rates make people complain; they would rather be constantly fighting each other in an unstable world than not being able to afford a fourth car. Tragic how self centered humans are. Or maybe it’s just the fact that nobody else seems to realize that you have to use an overzealous police force to maintain order, and that what they call “wrongful imprisonment” is really you making sure that the people can sleep happy every night in Guantanamo Bay safety.
Sure, you’ve probably been expecting this by the time you control some territory. But it really hurts that after a lifetime of war and selfless devotion to the unity of the planet that the only way people thank you is by protesting and spitting on your statues. The only consolation you’ll get is that most of the populace is willing to keep their heads down and hope to stay out of trouble. But it’s a sure bet they’ll mumble under their breaths, and give help to the Heroes when they ask for shelter from your peace keeping forces.
There are a few obvious solutions that never really work out. One is to favor one section of the population while repressing the others. This will make some people love you, but will make the others hate you even more, no real benefit. Other times, you might be able to manage to get good publicity, which is all you really need to appear benevolent; just out-media your opponents until your face is related to puppies and sugar. However, if you appear too nice, then Heroes will start cropping up everywhere as some impossibly insightful stay at home parents notice something is strange about the government. Still other times, it turns out that a lot of people just don't care that the people in charge are openly homicidal demon worshiping alien hybrids who eat souls; as long as the trains run on time and the television's entertaining, life is good and whatever evil stuff's happening is in Iraq somebody else’s problem.
If having a 0% approval rating really bugs you, then why not consider brainwashing? |
