How to be a Callous Chieftan

Segment 29

T A K I N G  O V E R

After minimal consideration, I have determined a student of mine is most likely a Democrat, I shall write this chapter to aid the establishment of a Democratic Party themed dictatorship. Maybe with this chapter said pupil will be able to extract revenge against those who most likely forced them to eat roofing tar in-between classes.

To my great dismay, years of peaceful protests and “petitions” have weakened the liberals’ ability to condense themselves into an overly violent junta. It will be a difficult road for any potential democratic dictator, but I will nevertheless allow you to feast on my ideas for taking over the world.

Obviously “The System” doesn't work, which means the only option left remaining is to move to Canada and live on a commune of hippies. Or is it? If my memory serves, there was once a time when American fought American, and the unity of the nation was discarded. That's right! It was the Civil War, and if the South is to be believed - and religious TV allows us to know that the South is always to be believed - then the South actually won the Civil War, proving once and for all that civil war works out.

Civil war; families hugging each other with bullets, Atlanta burning to the ground, these things all sound great in theory, but any realistic Democrats have to face facts. You guys are cowards. Sure, you can get mad and throw some nasty words around, but when fights happen most if not all democrats will get their butts kicked or end up running like animals.

Look at Kent State. There were what, about 30 National Guardsmen and over 2,000 college students? They opened fire and all the college students, who were primarily protesters immediately ran away. Four killed out of 2,000! Even armed with improvised weapons they could have overrun the National Guardsmen and hacked them apart, raising their hot seeping flesh above their heads in triumph over tyranny. Two to three hundred dead, tops.

Part I: Prepare

Have you ever watched a liberal-fueled riot unfold on TV? The liberals gather with their makeshift signs, mill around for a while, then some guy throws a rock or something at the police line and all hell breaks loose. Usually this hell lasts for about 5-10 minutes and involves lots of liberals crying from tear gas, people running in terror, and police beating the ever-living Christ out of some teenagers wearing Rage Against the Machine hoodies available on sale at Hot Topic. That's not a fight, it's a massacre, and if you want to have any chance at pulling this Civil War off you have to learn how to inspire a serious riot, and how to be part of one.

Be prepared. Don’t be afraid to bring a gas mask and some "Save Darfur" signs or whatever. However, the minute your jaw gets split by a collapsible baton don't expect your gas mask to filter out blood or your Free Mumia sign to get you out of the back of a paddy wagon. That's why you need to prepare physically and mentally for rioting. Start by purchasing a heavy wood or composite baton and repeatedly hitting yourself in the arms, shoulders, face, and head. It will take weeks to really toughen up, but if you can manage to endure this without painkillers you will accustom yourself to tolerating pain and ready your body to stave off the shock that comes with a broken clavicle.

Once you've pulled that off you need to start working your way through a laundry list of chemical irritants. Begin by massaging oleoresin capsicum into your eyes and work your way up to various chlorine based burn agents that could theoretically be deployed if things got really out of control. New sonic riot control weapons mean that you should also prepare for the eventuality that the police you will be facing down might have scary future beams. Go to heavy metal concerts and handcuff yourself to the stage speakers. If the integuments surrounding your internal organs don't violently separate and rupture then you'll be hardened to the damage of a sonic weapon. Lastly, buy a dog. A mean, dumb, and hungry dog. Coat your legs in blood and let it loose. Practicing techniques for not getting your Achilles tendon shredded or your fingers bitten off. PETA may disagree with intentionally provoking a dog to attack you, but when was the last time you saw a naked person in cat paint standing in front of a line of tanks? It's been since at least 1994.

Part II: Concentrate

One of the biggest weaknesses of the Democratic Party is that they will often have demonstration with multiple, sometimes conflicting messages. Save the Dolphins! Bring Back Disco! Free Cola With Every Purchase! It's rare that anyone, let alone the protestors themselves, can look at a demonstration and really know why all of the people are there.

Before you begin a riot or protest get a few people you trust to go around and review all of the posters and signs being used. If necessary, make demonstrators sign loyalty oaths before the event begins. Please make sure that all women understand taking their tops off is counterproductive to the serious atmosphere of a demonstration. Command them to turn off their cell phones, since chatting on the phone constantly is not a good way of demonstrating that they really believe in Ape Amnesty or whatever it is they’re protesting.