Lieutenants
What is harder to obtain than a creative, semi-loyal henchman? A decent lieutenant who isn’t working for the enemy and is competent enough to command a few mindless thugs. So obviously anyone interested in becoming overking of all mankind is interested in how to find a good, stable lieutenant.
Animals
Though cats are always well versed at reveling in praise and glory, they make poor lieutenants. They can’t execute the prisoners on a reliable basis, they can’t lead an army, though they can make a good impression on your enemies. If you don’t have a face, why not have the propaganda posters instead painted with a hand petting a feline? Sometimes you can train your cat- lieutenant-thing to have an evil laugh, or even definitive facial expressions. Every Evil Overlord in movies loves kitties, and don’t you just want to fit in? In real life, this is almost entirely untrue. Famous cat haters throughout history have included Caligula, Nero, Bonaparte, and Stalin. Oddly, all of the above were fond of dogs, perhaps because of their obedient, worshipful nature. And besides, a specially trained team of dogs can easily hamstring the Hero, while a team of cats can merely mew and paw at their ankles.
Scarred Guy
Appearances aren’t everything. Strike the wrong cord with his guy, and he’ll kick your butt. He may be awesome at everything, but he has a very sensitive past. Also, he will possess a gaping weakness. Whether by some odd tradition of not hitting females, or by being unable to dance, he will invariably either betray you or fail horribly at a simple assignment.
Hunchback
Ahh, the lovely hunchback; my favorite choice for obvious reasons. They scamper around, ruining their spine, and rub their hands together while performing nefarious deeds. They’re always the ones who propose the plans like attacking your own country and blaming it on the Hero. Or maybe a plan to torture the Hero until he is forced to betray all he loves. Sadistic little guy. Whatever the Hunchbacked Lieutenant is specialized in, he is always a great addition to the family. And if all else fails, threaten to put a back brace on the little rascal.
Being a Lieutenant
Where better to start your career than as a lieutenant that eventually betrays his master? As with the Henchmen chapter, here is what to do if you feel the need to work from the bottom to the top of the chain of command.
1. Don’t gloat.
2. Don’t ask if the Hero can provide a better reward than your master. Even if they can, they will only betray you… untrustworthy bastards.
3. If you fail horribly at one assignment or another, skip town for a few years, then return and never mention it again.
4. Never wear gender-inappropriate underwear if any kinds of blades are in use. The hero will invariably cut off your clothes, embarrassing you in front of your troops.
5. Never ask the Evil Overlord “And if you fail..?” You can’t be any more suspicious than that.
6. When you take over the various operations of running a police state while the Evil Overlord is doing non-Overlordy stuff, don’t accept any seemingly good bargains.
7. Avoid being “The Dragon” who is always the physical challenge for the Hero before the mental challenge of fighting the Evil Overlord. You’ll inevitably get your butt kicked, even though you will be a huge mass of sheer muscle.
8. If the plot dictates you to fail your mission, slap the writers on the hands and succeed anyway. The Evil Overlord will protect you from being erased.
9. The Sailor Moon team has four members. If you’re going to fight them, send five or more. Do not send four!
10. Choose an employer who won’t kill you as readily as any old henchman.
11. Switching sides will leave you morally scarred for life. Trust me, you don’t want to find out how the other half lives.
12. If you feel the need to boast, don’t be surprised if one of your own henchmen euthanizes you before the Sidekick sneaking up behind you can kill you.
13. You’re not the advisor. Infact, as long as failure does not entail you yourself being injured, why not let the Evil Overlord fail and take his place?
14. Always have a scapegoat ready in order to explain everything you do.
15. Always have a martyr ready to encourage your minions to fight for you. And yes, killing the Evil Overlord, lying about it, and using him as a martyr works fine.
16. If you follow orders and fail, your body will be used as a doorstopper. If you follow orders and succeed, there’s a slim chance you might get a pat on the head if you’re very lucky. If you disobey orders, the Evil Overlord will commend you on a job well done and pretend what you did was his idea, and may even give you a cookie. The moral? Do whatever works.
17. As with being a Henchman, find out what happened to your predecessor.
18. Accepting responsibility for failure is honorable. You’re not a Hero. If you’re going to do it, go ahead and fall on your sword now.
19. Expand your weapons training beyond merely a pistol. You’re going to be on the frontline a lot. |
