Step III: You vs. Army
Eventually your riots will spiral out of control and the police will no longer be able to handle your enraged, unknowingly manipulated minions. Once governors around the country realize this is the case they will begin mobilizing elements of the National Guard. Luckily, most of our military is over in Iraq right now. Remember that? Regardless, their absence here creates an opportunity for a successful confrontation with the US military that would not exist otherwise.
Some tips for facing off against military forces:
1. Support the second amendment, because all of the liberal gun control stances are about to kick you in the teeth repeatedly and mercilessly.
2. Try exposing your protestors to radiation to become some sort of super mutant, because there is no way you're going to be able to face off against a trained and equipped soldier otherwise.
3. Chant impotently and incoherently at any soldiers you see, something catchy like "No war for oil" or "we need a pitcher, not a belly itcher. “ Confusion is a deadly weapon.
4. Remember that soldiers are not human beings; they are actually robotic killing machines controlled by the fascist oligarchy of George W. Bush. Or alternately just keep telling your followers that until they believe it.
At some point outright rioting will cease to become a realistic option. The troops will be using things like bullets and missiles and liberal weapons like offensive rap lyrics, free speech, and flag burning will no longer be effective. That means it's time to form some militia units to engage the regular army forces in deadly combat. Militia units like:
· The 27th K.D. Lang Concert Audience Assault Brigade
· 1st Armored Division "Jon Stewart"
· 735th Recumbent Bicycle Cavalry
· 191st No to Nukes Tactical Heavy Ordnance Bombers
· 6th Give Peace a Chance "Or Else" Division
· 82nd MoveOn Dot Ordinance Supply Battalion
· The 4th Mississippi Irregulars "Martin Luther King, Jr." Division
· 1st Nantucket Schooner & Yacht Fleet
· 9th Olympic Synchronized Landing Marine Division
· 22nd “One man, one mine” Minesweepers
· 92nd Teddy Kennedy ‘She was driving’ Panzer Division
Step IV: Reform
At some point either before or during the civil war the blue states will have to create some form of Declaration of Independence. Below are the basic outlines you must follow if you seek to keep the peoples’ support. Always remember to justify any mistakes by saying that your opponent did a worse thing before.
Separation of Church and State: "We mean it this time!”
Flag burning not only legal, but mandatory.
Every time you have a baby when unmarried you get a free Cadillac.
Minority political candidates start all elections with a free 10% of the vote.
Get an abortion and be entered to win a 3 week cruise in the Bahamas.
War on Terror replaced with Battle of the Bands competition.
Majority of animals given equal rights to people, are allowed to hold political office. Barky by 2012!
Economy primarily gourmet coffee and sitcom based.
Coal power plants replaced with forests, nuclear power plants replaced with Dreamcatcher and Scented Candle reactors.
Begin to work on peace treaty with the dolphins and whales.
Broad spectrum AM radio jamming blots out everything other than NPR, Air America Radio, and a handful of those creepy computerized counting stations.
Ask the UN to be in charge of our national defense.
Diversity only supported if others agree with it.
Guns blamed for global warming.
All arguments must start and end with “…You are closed minded…”
If Europe does it, then we do it too.
Anyone who did not cry during the film “The American President” will be reeducated.
Carter and Marx will be carved on Mt. Rushmore.
Lawyers trusted as long as they say “We are just trying to defend the little guy.”
Don’t have to love animals to be a vegetarian anymore. Just have to hate plants.
Poverty and AIDS can be cured; just need to blame something that can be boycotted and scapegoated.
To save trees, all 1970 “Beware of Global Freezing” signs will have “Beware of Global Warming” on the back instead of being thrown out, and will be turned around depending on Al Gore’s mood at the time.
Trade sanctions new and only military.
Prisoners will be loved and cared for instead of punished. All they need are a bit of affection and they will never commit mass manslaughter again.
Meter maids officially branded fascists.
Rich people now the reason Oscar the Grouch lives in a trash can.
Some think that a secessionist north would quickly stagnate, but facts speak differently. Blue states are centers of godless liberal culture, secular science, ivory tower academia, perverse arts, pornographic liberal media, and twisted France-like philosophy. The Blue states are net losers on Federal taxes, paying out huge dividends to the Red States who need things like giant concrete crosses and schools where children are taught that math is the devil's numbers. Without democrats to kick around it wouldn't be long before the Red States resort to using the Bible to research new gene therapies, turn to the makers of the "Left Behind" movies for the next Dallaswood blockbuster, and hang hundreds of US flags up in every art gallery.
Thanks to Something Awful for topics and ideas.
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