How to be an Arduous Adjudicator

Segment 25

Breaking the abnormal routine, I wish to instruct my aspiring comrades that one of the worst days of the year has come and gone. A day devoted to of all things, this false emotions humans claim to posses, "love." Oh the horrors.

At least when you're a dictator you can steal Christmas. It's pretty much expected of you. Or if you want to go the Lord Protector route, you can cancel it outright, claiming it's bad for you. But Valentine's Day. People actually show each other they care. I don't know what's worse. The fact they're lying for personal gain, or the fact they're doing it publically.

It's particularly horrible, of course, for a true dictator. No one loves those who are selfless and have sacrificed so much to unite the world. It's oh so lonely. Once you get used to it, you realize that friends just want to manipulate you. Those gifts you receive are petty attempts at personal benefit, saying "here's some candy, now fight for me in this war."

Instead of being sad like the average, blind human, once should be happy when everyone expects them to be horribly depressed. If nothing else, it gives you an excuse to throw your least favorite minions into the crocodile pit.

However, in the spirit of rambling between topics, it is quite infuriating when you receive a Wrongful Death lawsuit after killing one of the minions that supposedly pledged their undying soul to you. Though it's easy to just drop the process servers into the same crocodile pit, it makes you wonder why lawyers don't have enough professional courtesy to leave a dictator alone.

On the topic of holidays, Easter is soon to come. Nothing disturbs me more than a rabbit that lays eggs. Such an evil creature must spawn evil offspring, which is obviously why the population feasts upon the poor beast's eggs. This year, however, my minions shall ravage the land, locate the Easter Bunny, and provide sanctuary to the monster until its eggs hatch and, in gratitude, it joins my Legions of Doom.

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How to be a Nefarious Narcissist

Segment 26

Alas, the topic of science fiction nerdery is inevitable. If one plans to conquer a country, why not the planet? And after that, why not the galaxy? So here is a short chapter on conquering beyond our puny water covered dirtball.

Invading – First of all, it is important to inoculate before landing. Second, avoid spreading terror around the alien’s power supply, whether it be nuclear or combustion. If you’ve decided to govern a race of egg-layers, instruct them to lay them in the mountains, seas, or rural areas instead of the subways. If you can, try to avoid yelling, with much spittle, “Route all power to the mothership!” It’s also important to consider your reasons. If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without invasion by simply offering job and pay equity, not to mention the chances of being biologically compatible with aliens are astronomical.

Geocentric – We all know the earth is the center of the universe, the magnet of all weirdness. But how do we classify an alien equivalent?

1. Ancient interstellar evil sealed away? On earth.
2. Futuristic alliance spanning the galaxy? Another earth.
3. An alien off course crash lands on a random planet? Earth.
4. The last bastion before your conquests of the universe are complete? It’s an earth.
5. Inability for the writer to make another planet have the main character? You guessed it.

Remember, when you spot an earth, ask your planet eating monster friends to help you. Don’t go in alone.

Omnicidal Monstrosity – As mentioned, there’s bound to be some kind of planet devouring, sentient life hating thing floating around out there. If you end up having to fight this guy, remember, you’ll have to rely on throwing every warm body at it until it goes away. The nice thing is that if you can get this guy on your side, you can bribe him to the point where you don’t need an army and can have him do everything for you until a whole boatload of Heroes kill him.

Human Power – Though if you’re the kind of dictator I am and want to replace humans at the first chance, you may have to consider the repercussions. Due to some impossible disease which every writer, author, and storyteller is infected with, humans are special. Though they are always mentally, physically, culturally, morally, and technologically inferior to the aliens, they somehow manage to win. Mankind seems to have a certain adaptability, or resilience, or determination, or curiosity, or independent spirit, or zest for life -- basically Western, humanistic values in a nutshell -- that somehow allows us to transcend our weaknesses and earn the admiration and/or fear of other, more advanced civilizations.

Intergalactic Trials – Sooner or later you or your species as a whole will be put on trial in an interspecies court. Maybe they’re upset you’ve been invading, polluting, bombing, or not looking both ways before crossing the street. So they’ll pluck out either a few unique protagonists from your empire, or put you yourself on trial. The hypocrisy of wiping out an entire species because of the above reasons is never fully explained; maybe humans are the only species that cheat and the accuser is a perfect race that has never, ever been naughty? The trick to escaping court is threatening some of your subjects into sacrificing themselves to prove humans are really noble, selfless beings.