I N N O C E N T S

Being an Evil Overlord means you don’t need to fret over the collateral damage from your fights, but nobody becomes an Evil Overlord overnight. There will be years of hard work before your armies begin to conquer, and during that period you will be what is deemed an “Innocent,” constantly in danger of becoming part of the above mentioned collateral damage. Even if your mind is caked over with malicious ideas, you sneer at strangers, and you perform petty acts of personal conquest, you are still just an Innocent Bystander in the grand scheme of things. Below I will offer advice on how to not get killed in the crossfire before you become an Evil Overlord yourself, while living in a world already infested with competitors to your future empire.

Oddities – A general rule of thumb is that if it’s glowing, you shouldn’t touch it. If you notice a flying saucer approaching, it is ill advised to join the welcoming committee. Oddities can also come in forms of subtle yet stereotypical hints. If another Innocent was bitten or slaughtered by something that the coroner/doctor had never seen before, then you should avoid the area where said nibbling occurred. If the bitten victim has a beating heart, avoid them except under broad daylight. If someone breaks down a concrete brick wall, bullets won’t stop them, and asking them what they’re doing won’t help either.

Obvious Danger – If you find the artifact in pieces, chances are that you shouldn’t try to peace it together. When the scholar of the expedition is telling everyone that the ancient Aztec god would be upset if they defile his temple, then it is time to go back to camp. Always be sure to avoid natural features of the land that resemble skulls, fists, fangs, or other menacing objects. And most importantly of all, no matter how Hooked you are on Phonics, don’t try to pronounce random things you find scrawled upon walls in an alien language, right next to the picture of the demon impaling humans. If the presence of your new sweetheart provokes a hostile reaction from all cats or dogs, it is probably a good idea to break up with them. If you associate with the Hero, you run the risk of becoming a True Love or a Sidekick, depending on your availability and mutual gender preferences. The former situation will involve hostage situations on a semi-regular basis, but chances of survival are optimal. The latter position can be quite hazardous to your health; avoid it.

Crossroads – There are a few times when you doubt your own moralities on the path to being an Evil Overlord. Sometimes the prophet will tell you that you have to defeat the darkness, sometimes that you are destined for great things at great cost. Whatever he says, remember that if you are told you will be pampered and rich, be prepared to be sacrificed to the volcano god. There are many other breaking points in your career. If your job involves research, then you must understand volunteering to work after hours will entail mutations, protocol breaches, and general Evil Overlord creating incidents. Try to be in the center of the laser beams so that you can get all the power to yourself.

Rules – Never fire a scientist from your employ without first dismantling (not destroying) all of their research and making sure they didn’t take any green ooze jars home. Do not actively try to fail. Being a Sidekick, Hero, or True Love is not something you want to do. Never take the shortcut by going off the road. If someone appears out of thin air at the birth of your offspring, listen to what they say before having the guards haul them off. If an eerie, disembodied voice tells you to depart from the haunted house, then you should immediately oblige without taking anything of value. Don’t pick on the quiet, shy kid in your class. Treat him with respect and kindness, so your life will be spared when his psychic powers manifest and he takes over the world. Most importantly, keep your children on leashes at all times.

 Heroes – If a new hero appears and competes with the old one, be careful. The new guy is either the Evil Overlord in disguise, or their powers aren’t fully controlled and they will soon go insane. Don’t watch the Hero’s fights in person. You can be certain some idiot will record it for you to watch on YouTube later. If someone asks you to help him catch someone, then they are asking you to either catch the Evil Overlord and end up being used as a human shield, or to catch the Hero and end up getting in trouble anyway. If the Hero asks you to act as a decoy, feign incomprehension and mumble mindlessly until he leaves you alone. Never investigate the identity of the Hero for no reason. Success means you get kidnapped by the Evil Overlord, failure means the Hero won’t save you next time you ask him to. Also, never try to emulate the Hero’s actions to impress your sweetheart.

Common Sense – If the Hero tells you to wait for him at a specific location, it doesn’t matter what you end up doing. If you stay, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord as soon the Hero is out of earshot. If you follow, you will be captured by the Evil Overlord as soon as the Hero turns a corner ahead of you. If you stumble upon a mysterious dead body, do not stand over it or approach a suspicious noise. Run, then call the police. Instead of accepting a position as a security guard for a clandestine R&D company, try to get assigned to Marketing. If the Hero comes to your door after being branded a criminal by society, lure them into your house, then betray them. Either he’s being framed and you’ll win the mercy of the Evil Overlord, or he’s actually a criminal and you get a juicy bounty. If your best friend vanishes every time the Hero appears, rub some of those brain cells together and see if you can’t propagate the results for personal gain.

Evil Overlord – If the Evil Overlord offers you immortality, superpowers, infinite wealth, or power, and all you have to do is something incredibly trivial, then don’t do it. The Evil Overlord’s title alone reveals that he is too smart to share his power, and he will use you and then squish you like a bug. Remember, if you’re being used as a human body shield by a male Evil Overlord, there are certain places within striking distance; don’t give up your life out of mortality issues. Don’t watch the live broadcasts when the Evil Overlord is on a famous celebrity show until after you’re certain nobody is suffering from mind control. And, most importantly, don’t attend the Evil Overlord’s “I am redeeming myself” parties where he is giving away money; you will only become a statistic, hostage, or zombie.