H E R O E S
As with sidekicks and henchmen, I will pretend I am a hero. Resist the urge to vomit for a moment, and recall the value of the information you extracted from the very first chapter, and then continue.
1. Self proclaimed prophets and messiahs will be asked to explain what the heck they mean in modern English. If they refuse, I will fetch an infant to decode the message for me.
2. I will never ask someone who can afford three meals a day to join the revolution. Everyone knows the only way to stay rich in the Evil Overlord’s realm is to work for him.
3. I will never travel back to the past. I will probably end up becoming my own grandfather if I do.
4. The Evil Overlord does not want to hug me and make up for their past transgressions. They want to stab me in the back repeatedly with a dull butter knife.
5. I will not rely on one source of power. Batman was smart in that regard.
6. If any of my friends and family disappears then returns a few days later with an odd, flashy metal hat on and acts oddly, I will euthanize them.
7. When my Mentor fails to return from his quest to stop the Evil from manifesting, I will start my quest to rescue him immediately, not wait until after my birthday.
8. If he’s an Evil Overlord, then he’s obviously not an idiot. Escaping from his castle won’t be as easy as convincing the guard to give me the key to my cell.
9. I will not go quail hunting with the Evil Overlord. Dick Cheney The Evil Overlord will not be charged with attempted murder if I get shot in the face, neck, and upper torso.
10. If I obtain a copy of the Evil Overlord’s plans for world domination and I am about to be captured, I will not mail the only copy to myself in the future. Instead, I will make many copies and hide them in various places.
11. If a bunch of peasants defeat the Legions of Evil, then I will ask how they did it and learn.
12. Honor is only necessary when others are watching.
13. The Evil Overlord doesn’t deserve a fair chance. If he did, I wouldn’t need to fight him.
14. I will never assume other rebels are as self sacrificing as me.
15. I will not trust a person with a copious amount of tentacles.
16. My primary weapon will not be a sword that requires me to stand next to the Evil Overlord.
17. When I am fleeing the Evil Overlord’s fortress after the pre-climax escape, I will destroy the other vehicles before boarding my own.
18. If my sidekick won’t stop telling people I who I am when I am undercover, I will sew his mouth shut.
19. No robots serving me are allowed to have emotions, personalities, or original thoughts. That means you, Hal.
20. It’s not the neutral village’s fault they’re lazy. No need to yell at them so much they turn against me.
21. I will pretend I am helpless without a certain object so as to fool the Evil Overlord into allowing me near his weakness when he is taunting me.
22. I will keep a good secret identity. I really, really don’t want to pay for the collateral damage during my fights with the Evil Henchmen.
23. Being captured isn’t always the best way to get inside the Evil Lair.
24. When I am trying to decide which of two identical people is the Sidekick, I will separate them and interview them separately. Or just kill them both and use the real one as a martyr to encourage my rebellion.
25. If my sidekick has the same weakness as me, I need a new one.
26. I will not visit a lover before a battle. They will either die or betray me during the battle.
27. I will not value my culture above my friends.
28. If I find incriminating evidence against a superior, I will copy it multiple times. If ordered to destroy those copies, I will first make more copies then destroy the old ones.
29. I will not tug people to make them run faster. I will instead get them those partial blindfolds like donkeys wear so they can’t look to the sides.
30. If I have to replace my hand with mechanical parts, I will add a built in can opener. And a stun ray.
31. I will not wear the same clothes every day. I can wear the same looking clothes, but they have to be different. HINT HINT.
32. When I state my intention to accomplish a goal and am interrupted, I will hear the interrupting person through.
33. If I am offered two explanations for a phenomenon, one a logical, scientific explanation and the other a load of New Age claptrap, I will accept the scientific explanation.
34. If the Evil Overlord kills enough people, nobody will really care if I kill him. Especially if it looks like he fell down a flight of stairs into a pile of rusty bayonets.
35. Every member of the rebellion will have DNA tests to bring any existing relationships to light. Nobody will be allowed to kiss their sisters accidently.
36. When five seconds can mean the difference between the survival and destruction of the galaxy, I will keep my wistful expressions of undying fealty, love, or regret to a minimum.
37. I will teach my True Love that if she is ever being used as a human shield for the Evil Overlord she can easily slam her heel between his legs.
38. There are three dimensions in space. There is no reason to always attack from the same one.
39. If I am lucky and defeat a superior opponent, I will steal their weapons before proceeding.
40. I will not try to catch bullets, arrows, missiles, or lasers with my bare hands.
41. When I and my companions sneak into the Evil Overlord's stronghold through some unorthodox route such as the main drain, and it appears to be completely unguarded, we will stop and discuss possible explanations for that observation, rather than simply praising our good luck and pressing blithely on.
42. I will never allow my friends to speak to prisoners alone, but I will sometimes pretend to do so.
43. Honor is not contagious. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.
44. I will not have a sidekick who employs prostitutes. While such disgusting actions may relieve my comrade of the wearying burden of the Heroic Struggle, such uncouth and vile women tend to steal items needed to defeat the Evil Overlord, act as his spies, carry diseases, act as assassins, or (worst of all) make me look bad for associating with his type in the eyes of my True Love.
45. If I knock out an Evil Henchmen, I will kill, cripple, disarm, or otherwise hamper them before continuing.
46. If I discover a mysterious pod in my home, barn, spaceship, or alien territory, I will not stick my face into it or pick it up to see if it is alive. Instead I will have it examined via remote-controlled robot.
47. Just because they have a speaking part doesn’t mean I should show any more mercy for them than the henchmen who never utter a word besides a gasp as I kill them.
48. When I am wearing a disguise, I will consider beforehand how to emulate their actions and voice.
49. I will not pledge to avenge the death of someone I never met before and who, in all likelihood, is evil.
50. If one of the Bad Guys manages to kill my Mentor, I'm clearly not prepared to immediately avenge him; I will retreat and develop my skills.
51. If I am granted a vision of the future, then I will not try to change it. A simple paradox means that if it really is the future, I cannot change it. If I do change it, then it was never the future to begin with, and I was lied to in order to stimulate a response. Obviously, the future is set in stone, otherwise it wouldn’t be the future.
52. If I am forced to make a choice between saving a friend/lover or fulfilling my mission, I will remind myself that failing to accomplish the mission will probably result in the friend/lover's death anyway, and go on with the mission.
53. My guards will be instructed that when a stranger offers them candy if they get into the van or if they are told to go around a dark corner to throw a flashbang grenade, then charge in with weapons ready.
54. My Evil Twin does not have a soul. As long as I believe that lie, then it doesn’t matter.
55. When someone opens a Portal to Pandemonium, I will close it instead of taking the time to explain it to my stupid sidekick.
56. Explain to your sidekick that when you whine about not being trusted, you are admitting you are either a: traitor, mind control victim, clueless about the need-to-know basis, and dangerously immature.
57. Before I rip the Evil Overlord’s mask off, I will brace myself for soon to come urge to vomit when I see his face.
58. If the Insane Prophet decrees my destiny is to “verb the Evil noun” I will begin preparing instead of waiting for the Insane Prophet and my Mentor/family to die.
59. If the Evil Overlord tries to make me feel guilty by claiming that I’ll be responsible for the deaths of millions if I don’t cooperate, I’ll quote Ayn Rand until he gouges off his ears. (you’ll understand this in a few years, she is usually required reading in advanced English )
60. If I discover that one of my comrades in the Heroic Struggle has a Dark Secret (i.e., was impersonating the opposite gender, is a blood relative to the Evil Overlord, etc.), I will not dismiss them without further reason.
61. Lawyers are just as bad as Evil Overlords.
62. Any politician seeming to help me out of kindness is plotting to kill me.
63. If I am born, drafted, or teleported to a universe where the laws of nature do not apply to consistent principles, I will depart for another universe with a more reasonable author.
64. Female sidekicks who are loyal and dependable make much better True Loves than do vain, pampered princesses.
65. Mountains or castles shaped like skulls should be nuked immediately.
66. Insanity is an opinion. Maybe that hermit really does want to help me.
67. I will notice when people sneer, scowl, snicker, or leer at me when I approach them.
68. When the Evil Overlord or friend begins to morph into a larger, faster, stronger, and eviler entity, I will start hacking away at it before it is ready to kill me instead of standing in awe until it gouges open my torso.
69. When the Evil Overlord captures my loved ones and holds them hostages, I will hold a memorial service and forget about it. I will also warn them beforehand that I will do said things if they are captured.
70. I will ignore it when the Evil Overlord questions my morality and honor. If he is so worked up about it, why is he still an Evil Overlord?
71. When I kill the Evil Overlord and take the source of his power, I will immediately imbue it with my soul. So as to better take his place serve justice and keep the world at peace.
I recently procured an IPod from the market, and as I was reading through the agreements (as any real dictator would do) I happened upon some fine print. Quite appalled, I am considering asking for a refund because of the following;
“THE APPLE SOFTWARE IS NOT INTENDED FOR USE IN THE OPERATION OF NUCLEAR FACILITIES, AIRCRAFT NAVIGATION OR COMMUNICATION SYSTEMS, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL SYSTEMS, LIFE SUPPORT MACHINES OR OTHER EQUIPMENT IN WHICH THE FAILURE OF THE APPLE SOFTWARE COULD LEAD TO DEATH, PERSONAL INJURY, OR SEVERE PHYSICAL OR ENVIRONMENTAL DAMAGE.”
I had originally decided to run the IPod off the thermonuclear reactors and maybe use it as a remote detonator for my biological weapons stash. But now, I just don’t know. Is playing evil theme music really worth the cost in resources for a potential misfire? Actually, this gives an evil idea for an evil scheme. I shall install an IPod into nuclear submarines across the world, and send sailors to their deaths as Wagner's "The Ride of the Valkeries" echoes throughout the reinforced hulls.
Haikus are easy
But sometimes they don't make sense
Refrigerator |
